


How to Recognise and Kill a Werewolf by Sirius Black

by professorcockblock



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-31
Updated: 2011-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-28 13:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorcockblock/pseuds/professorcockblock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Found battered and torn, stuck to the fridge in Remus & Sirius’ flat next to a post-it reading ‘Will trade hot sex for milk, please pick some up on the way home. Milk, that is, not hot sex. Oh shut up. –S’ and a photograph of Peter, James and Lily laughing at Sirius’ newly purchased motorbike, 1980</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Recognise and Kill a Werewolf by Sirius Black

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shakedown-1979](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=shakedown-1979).



> Someone on my Remus/Sirius blog asked me this 'Bit of a random question but how do you think the Marauders would react if they had to write an essay on How to Recognise and Kill Werewolves for DADA class?' And then I accidentally turned the answer into fanfiction because I am a completely mental person that cannot be trusted with words or a blog.  
> This work is a gift to Priyanka because she said she would cut me if I didn't put it up somewhere. That's love.

Identifying a werewolf can be a simple matter of recognising patterns of behaviour and correctly attributing them to lycanthropy; absences around the full moon, inexplicable caution around silver, and a predisposition towards rare steaks are all conventionally perceived to be good indicators of werewolfism. However there are many lesser known factors to imply the affliction that may also aid in ones identification of the sufferer. Werewolves, for example, are particularly bookish sorts. They enjoy muggle classics as much as any wizard authors, and are prone to outbursts when their devilishly handsome best mates threaten to use such items to chuck at first years who will not shut up despite the fact that said best mates are attempting to produce an item of true navigation and magical entrepreneurialism. Werewolves eat marmalade on toast for breakfast, but it’s always the kind with the rind left in it. Why anyone would want to leave the rind in marmalade is clearly a marvel beyond the rest of us, so one must suppose that this is all part of the condition. Werewolves may also be recognised by the way they raise their right eyebrow about 17 inches nearly off their face whenever their hot-bodied and stupendously modest best mates suggest something that may or may be considered “ridiculous”, “irresponsible”, and “bound to end in tears”. The werewolf will probably think that this look signifies disdain and disparagement, but mostly it just makes his eyebrows look quite lickable. Oh yes, werewolves are terribly lickable. In the interests of science one must lick the suspected werewolf all over to ensure the diagnosis is correct. All over. For posterity’s sake, you understand. Werewolves may also pretend not to like mornings. They will back up this up with such perfunctorily recurring statements as ‘It’s 7am, fuck off’, ‘Jump on me and die,’ and ‘I can make it look like an accident, Sirius, you know I fucking can.’ This is all part of the act. The best thing one can do at this point is to make as much noise as possible and invade the werewolf’s personal space until he begins to throw both blunt objects and wounding aspersions on the integrity of ones character. The werewolf is now fully awake and probably wondering where he can get some marmalade, which, as we have already discovered, is a pinnacle of his wolfliness and a key way to spot the offending malady. For further confirmation attempt to drop in the phrase “furry little problem” to the suspected sufferer and see how hard he kicks you. For best results accompany all above methods with a salacious wink and general air of smugness.

In regards to the actual assassination of the afflicted, there are several approaches that have been known to yield satisfactory results. Tickle attacks may prove successful in some cases, but for the most part one will find themselves pinned down and instead defeated in this very way before they even get a chance to reach that especially sensitive bit behind the werewolf’s knees. Death by chocolate may seem a likely tactic, however the metabolism of the wolf apparently allows for any amount of the substance to be consumed with no discernible ill effects. Test this theory by buying him a disturbing abundance of the stuff and hiding it in amongst all his favourite things (rolled up in jumpers, slid between the pages of books, melted over his magnificently fetching roommate, etc). Under all circumstances refuse any knowledge of how the chocolate got there; Oh, goodness. Why am I naked? Where are my pants? Why am I covered in Honeydukes best? Gracious me, what an unexpected turn of events. Other methods of dispatching the werewolf may be achieved with the use of Ogden’s Old Firewhiskey, tea taken with more than 2 sugars, rearranging his colour-coded note system for Ancient Runes, and the implementation of invisibility cloaks for debauchery and generally reprehensible behaviour.  
One must ultimately remember to stay vigilant, however, or one may find themselves somewhat undone by all the marmalade and books and ticking and such. Werewolves are notoriously adept at getting under ones skin and refusing to get out (which isn’t really a very sexy metaphor, but then again neither is ‘your eyes are greener than the most unwell looking Slytherin’ and James still said that to Lily twice last week, although the second time was probably just to annoy her.)

Alternatively, one could fuck off and stop assigning such stupid questions as homework, being as how one is clearly a bit of a fucking bastard.


End file.
